The Hard Way

I feel stupid sometimes. Why do I have to do things the hard way? By taking the difficult route, I end up taking on more risks. I'm supposed to be a risk-averse person!

It wouldn't have been a problem if this is about some RPG video games. You can always start over the game so risk-taking is almost preferred. No, this isn't a game. My future, my career, my life. They are not a game. 

I take shortcuts in a game. In fact I would research then exploit these shortcuts to the fullest extent. But when it comes to reality, I refuse to exploit shortcuts. I turn down things that are "too easy". I go for the risky path. 

Why? How is it that someone who demands nothing less than perfection, who is only satisfied when he has absolute dominance in a game, deliberately makes perfection hard to achieve in real life?

I was going to say I knew the answer to my behaviour. That I seek out challenges to make my life more interesting. This may or may not be the right answer. Meanwhile, a tiny voice deep inside my head tells me my actions are a form of torture.

I don't know why I need to torture myself, because clearly I am not enjoying it. Perhaps I did it to "remind" myself I am alive, just like you pinch yourself to make sure you are not dreaming?

Not surprisingly writing about it doesn't get me any closer to the answers. It's okay, I don't expect to get any. I just want to vent it out. All I know is that knowing what I am doing